Why do I?

Why is it do I feel like I am running and running but am never getting anywhere? I feel like I am moving in slow motion or reverse. I want to be happy and move forward in my life, even if it is just by baby steps. I HATE THIS FEELING. I want things to feel normal and good again. I am not miserable, I am a fighter for what I believe in, and I believe in happiness and that good things don't come easy and require work. I was taught that at a very early age. Nothing good is ever easy, that is what I was told everyday. If I wanted something as a child I had to go to work and get it myself. There was no let me ask mommy and daddy for it. I have been working since I am twelve years old. I wonder if my life would have been different, more relaxed if I didn't force myself at such an early age for greatness.

I wanted to have the best of things, everything was a competition especially in high school. So instead of being able to hang out at school and participate in sports or continue cheer leading, I decided to go to work and make money for Fendi bags instead. I competed in that way. At my school it was who had what and I could not rely on my parents to buy those things for me I knew they wouldn't. I should never have cared so much about what others thought and maybe I could have had a more relaxed childhood and therefore have been more relaxed now. It is too late now and the ground has been set. I try to change myself everyday but I can't seem to get away from being that person. I don't want to blame anybody I know it is my fault in that I should be able to change who I am, if I was a strong person. But, the what ifs kill me inside. If my parents were more easy going with me and didn't make me a nervous wreck around the house maybe I wouldn't be like that now. I am always so afraid of disappointing the people around me. And in worrying so much about disappointing them I am not myself and it just ruins everything anyways.

I wish I was more like my little sister, she does not give a shit. She knows who she is and she is happy with that, she stands up to my parents more than I ever did and she is only 16. The way I stood up to them was just finally giving up the everyday battle for freedom and just picking up and leaving. My sister just never takes what they say to heart she brushes it off and doesn't care. When I was living at home it was always my job to help mom around the house even up until a few months ago before I left, yet my sister gets away with doing nothing besides watching television. She still doesn't work, I had four years on her by now. How come I had to go to work because I wanted a cell phone and she had one handed to her at ten. I thought that I was the one who set the precedent for her but nothing I did rubbed off. Does this mean that maybe I just did everything the wrong way? If I had the chance to go back I don't know if I would be able to do things differently because I am who I am. I like that I am a hard working individual and the past made me that way. I just feel misunderstood and saddened that I may lose people throughout my life because I may be incapable of being completely relaxed.

Maybe I just need a vacation!!!

Naive

The world is perfectly round,
I can never fall to the ground.

Like a child playing on the swings,
Anticipating every moment to see what it brings.

There is such a thing as perfect person,
You are one of them you will never worsen.

I am not nervous,
I just need a massage service.

There is no thing such as deception,
If there is you are definitely the exception.

There is no such thing as failing,
There is a thing called bailing.

I will never give up,
I am like that unbreakable Corelle cup.

Fight for what you believe in,
But, it will throw you for a spin.

I can never die,
For i am invincible, I can fly.

I would rather be naive and confident,
Then miserable and spent.

Scared Shit

I am scared shit that...

Everyone was right and I will not be able to succeed in my dreams.

I am scared shit that...

I will only know things that I can learn out of a book.

I am scared shit that...

Anger will eventually overcome my calmness.

I am scared shit that...

I will not have a successful life whether in my career or relationships.

I am scared shit that...

My father will never forgive me for leaving his nest.

I am scared shit that...

My best is not good enough.

I am scared shit that...

No one will ever give a fuck about me, the way I do for others.

I am scared shit that...

I might get into another car accident.

I am scared shit that...

I will never get over my nervousness.

I am scared shit that...

This may be as good as it ever gets.

I am scared shit that...

I don't know what the future will bring.

I am scared shit that...

I will be left behind in the dark

o man

Dear thighs and fingernails,

You are the only part of my body that I am not happy about. (Besides my short fingernails.) You are thick, short, and veiny. I hate the way you make me a bigger size in jeans. NO matter how much I run you always stay the same, you never go down. What can I do to make you go away? You make me feel self-conscious and embarrassed to look in the mirror. Maybe someday I will not care as much, but right now thick thighs I am not happy. Why can't I just have chicken legs like my father or my best friend? I will not go as far as to say I hate you thighs but I am resentful to a point. I got these legs from genetics and it is not your fault. Maybe one day if I run to China you will slenderize and I will be happy.

Short nails why won't you grow. I have tried to stop picking and biting and still Left Thumb you refuse to grow for me. I hate my fingernails I look like I have man hands. Especially my thumbs. They are just short and chubby, definitely not cute. I always hide my thumbs from pictures and while holding my boyfriends hand. I just tuck it in so it will not be noticed. Maybe if my Left thumb nail grew like my right is I would not feel as I do. But, honestly stopping biting my nails has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, harder than quitting smoking which is something I thought I would never say. Grow babies Grow!!!!

Love,

SELF

I hate...

I hate trying to make everyone happy,
Who is trying to make me smile?
I'm walking on eggshells around everybody,
Yet no one cares about cracking mine.

I hate being a nervous person,
Whey can't I just be relaxed?
It would be easier without the damn eggshells,
Crick, Crack, Crack

I hate that I am so self-consious,
Maybe that is why I am so easily cracked.
Deep down my whole body is sobbing,
I want my old self to come back.

I hate that my old self is lost somewhere,
Maybe those things I have given up were a part of me.
I need to find this old self,
So just let me be.

Head to Toe Sexy

From head to toe you are sexy.
Your skin tone is perfect blend like hazelnut coffeemate.
Hair brown, eye color blend of hazel and brown,
Face is perfect with your eyebrows perfectly sculpted, lips plump, rosy and smooth. Ears
and nose perfectly fitting to your face, in absolute flawless ratios.
Shoulders are so broad and strong, arms muscular and rigid.
Your chest is so smooth, and firm with so many ridges.
Back lines are very prominant, I can run my finger all the way down the crease outlined
down your whole spine.
Hands so strong and manly with a middle knuckle the size of texas.
Legs from thighs to calves are thick, active, and forceful.
Big foot...

From head to toe you are sexy... I can't get much more vivid than that!

Nightmare

A nightmare that is randomly repeated on more than one occasion is very disturbing to me. This nightmare is always of me on this bridge and I am being chased over it, on foot. I am terrified of the ocean I hate the fact that it is so dark and you can't see to the bottom. I also hate the fact that your feet can't touch the bottom, I am deathly afraid of drowning. I don't know why I keep having this nightmare but I do. I don't know who is chasing me or why they are but it is happening. I am running and running to the point were i can't breath, gasping for air. When I arrive at the bridge it starts off with cars on it and then they are randomly all gone and all I can hear is the sound of my feet pounding on the concrete. All of a sudden the bridge starts swaying and the concrete turns to wood planks. The only way to get over the bridge is to hop on from plank to plank and each time the bridge sways more and more like a swing. The person is still chasing me not to far behind, because I have slowed down due to the wood planks in front of me. As I approach the second to last plank to hop over I look down, get dizzy, and must pause there. The man behind me grabs my foot and I slip and now I am dangling over the ocean with the only thing keeping me apart from the water is his hand holding my ankle. I then feel it slipping, I begin to scream, and then I wake up sweaty and out of breath. What a nightmare.

What is normal?

There is no such thing as normal! Who even came up with this concept?
Who gets to determine what is normal or weird? Everyone's perception of normal is different.
Some may be an image of a house with a white picket fence and a dog running in the yard, and
some may be living in manhattan with your dog having to piss on the concrete. Who determines
what's what? /// No one can tell me that there normal is better than mine. Maybe the normal is
what is weird! Who wants to fit into that category anyway? I don't want to be normal I want to be
me. --> Who cares if I am "weird" or "out of my mind" that is who I am, and I will explore that. Who
cares what others think? I am ME and you are YOU, deal with it. Why try and fit into a category that
we don't even know who invented it. Want things for you because it is what you want or deserve,
not because it is what you are supposed to want.

I am far from normal..... and damn
proud of it.

Mustang Sally

I bought my Mustang red, shiny, and new,
One day my mom had a feeling and just knew.
I had my car for four years and have been driving for seven accident free,
And on this monday I guess it was just meant to be.

My car got wrecked on Jericho Turnpike,
This always was a rode that I had liked.
Now my dad has to fix my car,
But, it will never feel the same to me by far.

I guess it is time to move on from the stang,
All because of this stupid bang bang.
Once it is fixed I will put it for sale,
What a shame, I just want to wail.

Magical Dates

I can not depict just one date that was magical with my man. I would have to say date since the beginning has been pretty awesome. Of course the beginning is so super exciting, I would never let him see me in the same outfit twice and had to be dolled up just to sit in his apartment and watch television. One date that was rather memorable was the first time we went bowling together. This was the beginning of a pretty cool hobby that we both now possess. We go at least once a week and just mess around, it has gotten a little more competitive over time has passed and my boyfriend even has an insane curve on his game now. He has his own bowling ball and shoes, I am still working on getting my own ball but definitely soon. This has come to be one of our favorite things to do when we go out because neither of us are big club or bar people.

Every date has been magical with boyfriend. Now that we live together, it is even more exciting to go out on a date because we are able to get ready together and just go. Plus, we are always in the house together him doing his thing and me doing the same so when we go out it feels like more quality time then when we are home because it is just about us, not cooking, homework, games, or cleaning....just us. Every date has been pretty magical and I anticipate that there are many more to come. So baby lets keep on bowling. Maybe tonight??

DUCKIES ON A SUNDAY

This Sunday started like every other with my man. We woke up, ate breakfast, showered, and than stared at each for hours trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. Sunday is the only day we have all day together from morning to evening. Lately, it just seems there is nothing to do anymore and I am not one who could just sit around all day and do nothing that bothers me, it is just a waste of a day. So in sitting on the couch and pondering on what to do. My boyfriend says "lets use all that bread we are never going to eat, we should go to the pond and feed the duckies." Of course I will do anything, I was very enthusiastic about going to feed these ducks. We got there with our bag of bread and started ripping it up and throwing it out there to all the duckies, swans, and geese. The ducks are my favorite with their cute little orange feet but the geese were so aggressive. They walked right up to my boyfriend and took the bread right out of his hand. It was an awesome experience, but when we ran out of bread the duckies, swans, and geese no longer wanted to be around us and started hissing at us to leave them alone. What bastards haha.

Definitely was an awesome afternoon with my honey.

unsent letter

Dear Dad,

I just want to you know how I feel about our past and current situation. You were always so hard and strict with me. I understand you may have had your reasons for that when I was a child but I don't think that you ever realized that I grew up. You always worked so hard to support our family and still do and I will always appreciate that. I remember having to wave through the glass at night to say goodnight to you because you were outside working all night, even after you got home from work. I think I always just listened to you because I think you deserve that respect for all your hard work throughout your life and all of the hardships you encountered with your father.

I never understood why you laid down so many rules for me as a grown up. As a child and impressionable teen I could understand you were trying to keep me out of trouble by not letting me out at night, with friends and such. But as I grew up even up until this year you still had so many restraints on me and I still had not rebelled. Yes, I have tried talking to you about it but I never just did what I wanted because I felt that would be disrespectful. I did always tell you that I would move out if things did not change around the house. For I am twenty-two years old and to have a 1:30am curfew was a little ridiculous, along with the fact that you had to know where I was at every moment, and if plans changed I would get yelled at or the silent treatment for a few days when I got home.

Now we are at the point, where I moved out of the house. I never thought I would finally build up enough courage and strength to do it, but I have. A big part of that strength is knowing that I have Gerard. I think that you believe that as well, which is part of the reason you can't look at him in the eye when we visit. I understand that you don't approve of my decision of moving out. But, you need to realize that I am a grown individual that is capable of this and just because I am not married doesn't mean I should be living at home. Now you are willing to do anything for me to come home and i just don't understand it. If you would have just been understanding all the years I begged you to this may have been a little different. I think that you realize this too which is what bothers you about the situation.

You should not be treating me the way you do. When I come over to visit alone or with Gerard you don't speak to me or us. All you do is say hello and goodbye if that. I am your daughter I think I deserve a little more than that. Just because I have moved out of the house, not the way you approve, doesn't mean you should be acting like you don't give a shit about me anymore. I am in love with a great man and I would love for you to get to know him too. It would mean everything to me for us all to be one big, close family one day and that is still capable of happening if you let it and stop being so stubborn. Please just try to realize that I am happy and try to want to be a part of my new life because I need you in it.

Love always,

Pamela

Rant

Who the fuck do you think you are?
You are the only person I truly can't stand, do you know that?
More than fish, I can't stand you.
People like you should not be allowed to go in public.
You are a dirty, nothing that should not be touched with a ten foot pole
I can compare you to a pile of dog shit on the floor
but the shit I would pick up for the puppy
you I would just have to leave there.

I am not evil but you are,
You ruin lives and families which is not cool.
but hey, payback is a bitch,
someday you will get yours don't forget you shouldn't do to
others that you wouldn't want done to yourself.
So go fuck up someone else's life,
eventually it will come back to bite you in the ass.

Have a nice day ASSHOLE

I don't want to write about...

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT...

Another personal experience because they are personal not for everyone to know.

The thought of losing someone close to me or the experience of having lost someone close. It just sucks.

A topic that is mandated for me to write about.

Things that don't matter.

Other peoples misfortunes, it is just depressing.

Another research article this semester.

SCHOOL

Angry feelings

Why sometimes I just want to be alone.

The what if's

Sad experiences or encounters that I have had in the past

Things that don't mean anything to anybody.

Belly of the Beast

I believe that everybody has that little bit of evil in them that could potentially allow them to do violent things to others or themselves. Even myself, I am not a very dark, or aggressive person but if somebody pushed the right buttons on the wrong day I believe that I could get ugly. In trying to find this dark shadow that lies within me, I pretty much know who I am but it made me explore it even more which made me kind of angry. I always think that I am a nice person to everybody and in turn my boyfriend thinks that I get stepped on for that. One day I just feel that I may snap at the next person that walks all over me. For example, my boss at work thinks that it is okay to punish his employees by cutting there hours when they can not do something he has asked. Most recently he has cut my hours because he called me to come in on a day that I am scheduled off, and the reason I am off is because of school. He later then cut my hours the whole next week on the hours I can work because of the fact that I could not make it in when he needed me. This definitely pissed me off unbelievably but I let it go because that is what I usually do. What I really wanted to do was say f-u pal. I have been here seven fucking years and that is the way you treat me. Go stick it where the sun don't shine. II would love to say something like that. Or even just kick the shit out of someone one day, but it would have to be for a good reason. But I am definitely capable of doing it and I am strong enough physically, just mentally I would feel guilty after. Sure, during the time of adrenalin pumping it is great but than afterwards I would just assume I would feel like shit for hurting someone else, even if they had it coming. But, like I said one day someone will catch me on the wrong day at the wrong time and just push the right buttons for a slappy.

HOT DOGS in Manhattan

Today we went to Manhattan for the second time in this class. I really enjoy going into the city. I would love it a lot more if I did not have to travel by my lonesome on the train. On the way to the city today all I could think about was getting a hot dog and maybe so honey roasted peanuts from the street vendors. The food vendors in the city (mainly the hot dog ones) are one of the reasons I love going to the city. There is nothing like getting a dirty water dog in Manhattan off a random street vendor. This trip to Manhattan we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was my first time ever at this place and it was beautiful with so many different things to see. Some of these things can be seen on my flickr pictures. After going to Metro we walked to Central Park. On this lovely walk with some of the girls we decided to stop for a hot dog which had been on my mind all day. It was amazing with onions and ketchup. Nothing like it. To top off this awesome day in the city I got some honey roasted peanuts for the ride home. What a day!

P-A-M-E-L-A stands for

P--> PUNCTUAL

A--> AMUSING

M--> MAGICAL

E--> EXTRAORDINARY

L--> LOVING

A--> AMAZING

counterpoint

I love cleaning the house. It makes me so unbelievably happy to take all of the cleaning supplies out and the smell of bleach is just lovely. I could compare it to my favorite burberry perfume. My favorite room in the house to clean is the bathroom. I just love throwing pine sol in the toilet and then cleaning it with the brush. And oh my gosh I forgot about putting the comet in the shower and letting it sit for a few minutes, while I wait I usually sing a song o two and than I take out the scrub brush and scrub away until I can't feel my arm. It is the best workout, man I love cleaning the bathroom. Once the bathroom is finished I move right on to the bedroom where I find myself for hours. But, let me tell you, they are hours well spent. I spend so much time folding all of my clothes and placing them neat in the draws and closet and then I dust and vacuum. It is so amazing how nice it looks when I am done. Boy do I love cleaning, I would do it everyday of the week if I had the time. I love it so much!!!

castle

Inside through the heavy doors, I walk into my senior year 3rd period gym class. I am late and everyone is staring at me. I am wearing a denim skirt, with a tank top, and flip flops and everyone else is in gym shorts and sneakers stretching and getting ready to run the mile. Now my heart is beginning to race. I run down into the locker room and try to find my name on a gym locker. I finally find it and as I am opening the locker someone whose voice I do not recognize calls my name. I turn around and look and don't see anybody. I then heard my name being called again. I looked to the right and there is my sister-in-law. She hands me shorts and says "put these on already dammit Pam you are already late, everyone is waiting for you". I quick get undressed and throw the shorts on and when I went to tell her I was ready she was gone. I ran upstairs to the gym where now there is no body in there. I decided to walk outside to the track area. As I was walking to it I looked up at the bleachers and there must have been about one thousand people sitting on the bleachers. I overheard one of the ladies saying "when is this race going to start" and the other lady said "the star runner was running late". At this point I am very confused. I walked over to Mr. Mcleese to ask him what was going on, but, before I could say anything, he ran over to me and said why the hell are you so late, and I hope you are ready to run because don't forget your life depends on this race. I then walk over to my lane (number 3) to line up to get ready and I find out that my competition is my dog lucky. These doors lead to this crazy world that I did not want to be a part of . I ran back up to the gym and tried to find the doors that lead me back to the magical kingdom. I found them and ............

Spontaneous Prose

How many more of these things do I have to right
fucking twenty for real
that cant be right it just can't
I don't understand how someone could right twenty more pieces about this nonsense
stream of consciousness, ill show you stream of consciousness
the only thing I can think of right now is what I want to do later and this is not one of those things
have dinner yes spend time with my boyfriend yes watch tv yes walk the dog yes write another fucking blog NO
I feel like this is some bizzaro diary that is so random in every way possible
I want dinner and I feel like this stream is the like the song that never ends
I want to go outside and sit out there and not have to worry about one more stupid assignment this semester I need me time
how can this keep going i don't even know my mind is starting to blank

shit

shit

im losing it

its sad the only thing my stream will even allow me to right about are these blogs I guess that is all that is on my mind right now but the stream is done

thats it the stream has officially ended

good bye

Betrayed

On the weekend I was moving out of my house into my own place, it was also my best friends 23rd birthday. She had decided to go to Atlantic City in New Jersey again which we had done the year previous as well. I had told her two weeks prior that I would not be able to attend because I was moving out that weekend and had many things to attend to. On top of all the moving out issues I also had my Godson's christening party the same day as she planned on leaving for Atlantic City. We still spoke about everyday up until her birthday trip. I called her on her birthday to wish her well and she never responded. One day passed, then two and three. She has not called me since I did not attend her birthday party. We were best friends for four years. I have tried since to try and talk to her to discuss what happened, but things have not been the same. It has been four months that we have not hung out together. I feel betrayed and lost. All because of a birthday party.. Please

Body for me

Your body is for me,
it feels so amazing when it is on top of me.
Your muscles, divets, and pecks
Baby you are the best.
I love the hairless feeling of your chest
pressed up against mine.
The very thought of you leaves me short
for breath.
You kiss me so gentle and love me so fine.
I still can not believe you are mine.

Your body is for me,
It fits with mine perfectly.
Your arms wrapped around me,
with your eyes looking into mine.
There is no feeling like it,
You're one of a kind.
Your body is for me
Let me set if free.

xoxo

Ballad

They met randomly on her girls night out,
When he saw her in the club he gave her a shout.
She responded to him without a doubt
Neither were club people, so it was a surprise,

It was love at first sight,
That neither of them tried to fight.
Who would have thought it would turn into this,
A beautiful relationship, filled with bliss.

Lucky

My dog Lucky is the best dog in the world. He is handsome, smart, and loving. This is everything anyone would want in anybody. I am proud to call this doggie my best friend. He is always there when needed and always can make me laugh when I am sad. In my opinion this is a very important friendship to me although it is with another species. A good story about Lucky is the day I brought him home from the pet store. He was so tiny, only 2.5 pounds. I received him at 8 weeks. On the car ride home he sat so quiet and felt so content in my lap. Upon arriving home he was shown that he had to go to the bathroom outside and he succeeded from day one. Later that day when my whole family was relaxing we decided to watch a movie and make some popcorn. Lucky was in my mothers lap on the couch at the time and I was sitting on the floor below her, Lucky thought it would be a great idea to jump in the whole popcorn bowl and tried to eat his way out. It was hysterical, my whole family was laughing and he just looked so confused and cute. Of course we did not make him eat his way out of the bowl we took him out and to this day he still loves popcorn just as much as I do.

PORTRAIT

I would have to say the person I feel strongest about that it most in my life at the present moment is my boyfriend. I feel very strongly about him and may even say that I love him very much more than anyone ever before. I met him on December 3 and since then we have been inseparable. He is the most kind, caring, and trusting person I have ever met. I currently am living with him. When I try to picture him in my mind all I can see is how sexy he is and how I picture spending the rest of my life with him. He is such a gorgeous person on the inside and out. He does get rather aggravated easily for the most stupid reasons for example, me leaving a tank top in the bathroom but hey nobody is perfect. When I think about him all I can see is the future in my mind, eventually when I finish school, getting married and starting a family. The next step we anticipate is getting a bigger place due to the fact me living with him was unplanned. I have my own apartment but it just ended up that I stayed with him a few nights and neither of us wanted it to end. From there, I have been in my current state for months. I can't really even think of words to describe why I love him so much or how to say it, but I feel it. I feel it to be most important to any other thing in my life, making him happy means everything to me.

Dear self,

Dear future self,
DON'T BE A WIMP
DON'T LET PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED IN YOUR DREAMS
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU'RE STUPID
DON'T REGRET DECISIONS MADE FOR BETTERING YOUR LIFE
DON'T SMOKE
DON'T LET PEOPLE MAKE YOU NERVOUS, STAY RELAXED!
DON'T BE SELF-CONSCIENCE, YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE AND THAT'S IT
NOTHING GOOD IS EVERY EASY...IT IS NOT JUST A CLICHE IT IS TRUE. EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD FOR YOU TAKES TIME AND WORK.
DON'T GO TO WORK AT TWELVE FOR A CELL PHONE.. STAY HOME AND BE A KID, WORK IS FOREVER!!! (TOO LATE NOW : ( )
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR REASON. FOR REAL WHEN SOMETHING YOU THINK IS THE END OF THE WORLD HAPPENS SOMETHING NEW AND AWESOME AND SO MUCH BETTER BEGINS.
BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE AND STICK WITH IT BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT IS HARD AND FRUSTRATING, IT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND HE IS THERE NEXT TO YOU <3
LOVE,
YOURSELF