Why do I?

Why is it do I feel like I am running and running but am never getting anywhere? I feel like I am moving in slow motion or reverse. I want to be happy and move forward in my life, even if it is just by baby steps. I HATE THIS FEELING. I want things to feel normal and good again. I am not miserable, I am a fighter for what I believe in, and I believe in happiness and that good things don't come easy and require work. I was taught that at a very early age. Nothing good is ever easy, that is what I was told everyday. If I wanted something as a child I had to go to work and get it myself. There was no let me ask mommy and daddy for it. I have been working since I am twelve years old. I wonder if my life would have been different, more relaxed if I didn't force myself at such an early age for greatness.

I wanted to have the best of things, everything was a competition especially in high school. So instead of being able to hang out at school and participate in sports or continue cheer leading, I decided to go to work and make money for Fendi bags instead. I competed in that way. At my school it was who had what and I could not rely on my parents to buy those things for me I knew they wouldn't. I should never have cared so much about what others thought and maybe I could have had a more relaxed childhood and therefore have been more relaxed now. It is too late now and the ground has been set. I try to change myself everyday but I can't seem to get away from being that person. I don't want to blame anybody I know it is my fault in that I should be able to change who I am, if I was a strong person. But, the what ifs kill me inside. If my parents were more easy going with me and didn't make me a nervous wreck around the house maybe I wouldn't be like that now. I am always so afraid of disappointing the people around me. And in worrying so much about disappointing them I am not myself and it just ruins everything anyways.

I wish I was more like my little sister, she does not give a shit. She knows who she is and she is happy with that, she stands up to my parents more than I ever did and she is only 16. The way I stood up to them was just finally giving up the everyday battle for freedom and just picking up and leaving. My sister just never takes what they say to heart she brushes it off and doesn't care. When I was living at home it was always my job to help mom around the house even up until a few months ago before I left, yet my sister gets away with doing nothing besides watching television. She still doesn't work, I had four years on her by now. How come I had to go to work because I wanted a cell phone and she had one handed to her at ten. I thought that I was the one who set the precedent for her but nothing I did rubbed off. Does this mean that maybe I just did everything the wrong way? If I had the chance to go back I don't know if I would be able to do things differently because I am who I am. I like that I am a hard working individual and the past made me that way. I just feel misunderstood and saddened that I may lose people throughout my life because I may be incapable of being completely relaxed.

Maybe I just need a vacation!!!