Why do I?

Why is it do I feel like I am running and running but am never getting anywhere? I feel like I am moving in slow motion or reverse. I want to be happy and move forward in my life, even if it is just by baby steps. I HATE THIS FEELING. I want things to feel normal and good again. I am not miserable, I am a fighter for what I believe in, and I believe in happiness and that good things don't come easy and require work. I was taught that at a very early age. Nothing good is ever easy, that is what I was told everyday. If I wanted something as a child I had to go to work and get it myself. There was no let me ask mommy and daddy for it. I have been working since I am twelve years old. I wonder if my life would have been different, more relaxed if I didn't force myself at such an early age for greatness.

I wanted to have the best of things, everything was a competition especially in high school. So instead of being able to hang out at school and participate in sports or continue cheer leading, I decided to go to work and make money for Fendi bags instead. I competed in that way. At my school it was who had what and I could not rely on my parents to buy those things for me I knew they wouldn't. I should never have cared so much about what others thought and maybe I could have had a more relaxed childhood and therefore have been more relaxed now. It is too late now and the ground has been set. I try to change myself everyday but I can't seem to get away from being that person. I don't want to blame anybody I know it is my fault in that I should be able to change who I am, if I was a strong person. But, the what ifs kill me inside. If my parents were more easy going with me and didn't make me a nervous wreck around the house maybe I wouldn't be like that now. I am always so afraid of disappointing the people around me. And in worrying so much about disappointing them I am not myself and it just ruins everything anyways.

I wish I was more like my little sister, she does not give a shit. She knows who she is and she is happy with that, she stands up to my parents more than I ever did and she is only 16. The way I stood up to them was just finally giving up the everyday battle for freedom and just picking up and leaving. My sister just never takes what they say to heart she brushes it off and doesn't care. When I was living at home it was always my job to help mom around the house even up until a few months ago before I left, yet my sister gets away with doing nothing besides watching television. She still doesn't work, I had four years on her by now. How come I had to go to work because I wanted a cell phone and she had one handed to her at ten. I thought that I was the one who set the precedent for her but nothing I did rubbed off. Does this mean that maybe I just did everything the wrong way? If I had the chance to go back I don't know if I would be able to do things differently because I am who I am. I like that I am a hard working individual and the past made me that way. I just feel misunderstood and saddened that I may lose people throughout my life because I may be incapable of being completely relaxed.

Maybe I just need a vacation!!!

Naive

The world is perfectly round,
I can never fall to the ground.

Like a child playing on the swings,
Anticipating every moment to see what it brings.

There is such a thing as perfect person,
You are one of them you will never worsen.

I am not nervous,
I just need a massage service.

There is no thing such as deception,
If there is you are definitely the exception.

There is no such thing as failing,
There is a thing called bailing.

I will never give up,
I am like that unbreakable Corelle cup.

Fight for what you believe in,
But, it will throw you for a spin.

I can never die,
For i am invincible, I can fly.

I would rather be naive and confident,
Then miserable and spent.

Scared Shit

I am scared shit that...

Everyone was right and I will not be able to succeed in my dreams.

I am scared shit that...

I will only know things that I can learn out of a book.

I am scared shit that...

Anger will eventually overcome my calmness.

I am scared shit that...

I will not have a successful life whether in my career or relationships.

I am scared shit that...

My father will never forgive me for leaving his nest.

I am scared shit that...

My best is not good enough.

I am scared shit that...

No one will ever give a fuck about me, the way I do for others.

I am scared shit that...

I might get into another car accident.

I am scared shit that...

I will never get over my nervousness.

I am scared shit that...

This may be as good as it ever gets.

I am scared shit that...

I don't know what the future will bring.

I am scared shit that...

I will be left behind in the dark

o man

Dear thighs and fingernails,

You are the only part of my body that I am not happy about. (Besides my short fingernails.) You are thick, short, and veiny. I hate the way you make me a bigger size in jeans. NO matter how much I run you always stay the same, you never go down. What can I do to make you go away? You make me feel self-conscious and embarrassed to look in the mirror. Maybe someday I will not care as much, but right now thick thighs I am not happy. Why can't I just have chicken legs like my father or my best friend? I will not go as far as to say I hate you thighs but I am resentful to a point. I got these legs from genetics and it is not your fault. Maybe one day if I run to China you will slenderize and I will be happy.

Short nails why won't you grow. I have tried to stop picking and biting and still Left Thumb you refuse to grow for me. I hate my fingernails I look like I have man hands. Especially my thumbs. They are just short and chubby, definitely not cute. I always hide my thumbs from pictures and while holding my boyfriends hand. I just tuck it in so it will not be noticed. Maybe if my Left thumb nail grew like my right is I would not feel as I do. But, honestly stopping biting my nails has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, harder than quitting smoking which is something I thought I would never say. Grow babies Grow!!!!

Love,

SELF

I hate...

I hate trying to make everyone happy,
Who is trying to make me smile?
I'm walking on eggshells around everybody,
Yet no one cares about cracking mine.

I hate being a nervous person,
Whey can't I just be relaxed?
It would be easier without the damn eggshells,
Crick, Crack, Crack

I hate that I am so self-consious,
Maybe that is why I am so easily cracked.
Deep down my whole body is sobbing,
I want my old self to come back.

I hate that my old self is lost somewhere,
Maybe those things I have given up were a part of me.
I need to find this old self,
So just let me be.

Head to Toe Sexy

From head to toe you are sexy.
Your skin tone is perfect blend like hazelnut coffeemate.
Hair brown, eye color blend of hazel and brown,
Face is perfect with your eyebrows perfectly sculpted, lips plump, rosy and smooth. Ears
and nose perfectly fitting to your face, in absolute flawless ratios.
Shoulders are so broad and strong, arms muscular and rigid.
Your chest is so smooth, and firm with so many ridges.
Back lines are very prominant, I can run my finger all the way down the crease outlined
down your whole spine.
Hands so strong and manly with a middle knuckle the size of texas.
Legs from thighs to calves are thick, active, and forceful.
Big foot...

From head to toe you are sexy... I can't get much more vivid than that!

Nightmare

A nightmare that is randomly repeated on more than one occasion is very disturbing to me. This nightmare is always of me on this bridge and I am being chased over it, on foot. I am terrified of the ocean I hate the fact that it is so dark and you can't see to the bottom. I also hate the fact that your feet can't touch the bottom, I am deathly afraid of drowning. I don't know why I keep having this nightmare but I do. I don't know who is chasing me or why they are but it is happening. I am running and running to the point were i can't breath, gasping for air. When I arrive at the bridge it starts off with cars on it and then they are randomly all gone and all I can hear is the sound of my feet pounding on the concrete. All of a sudden the bridge starts swaying and the concrete turns to wood planks. The only way to get over the bridge is to hop on from plank to plank and each time the bridge sways more and more like a swing. The person is still chasing me not to far behind, because I have slowed down due to the wood planks in front of me. As I approach the second to last plank to hop over I look down, get dizzy, and must pause there. The man behind me grabs my foot and I slip and now I am dangling over the ocean with the only thing keeping me apart from the water is his hand holding my ankle. I then feel it slipping, I begin to scream, and then I wake up sweaty and out of breath. What a nightmare.

What is normal?

There is no such thing as normal! Who even came up with this concept?
Who gets to determine what is normal or weird? Everyone's perception of normal is different.
Some may be an image of a house with a white picket fence and a dog running in the yard, and
some may be living in manhattan with your dog having to piss on the concrete. Who determines
what's what? /// No one can tell me that there normal is better than mine. Maybe the normal is
what is weird! Who wants to fit into that category anyway? I don't want to be normal I want to be
me. --> Who cares if I am "weird" or "out of my mind" that is who I am, and I will explore that. Who
cares what others think? I am ME and you are YOU, deal with it. Why try and fit into a category that
we don't even know who invented it. Want things for you because it is what you want or deserve,
not because it is what you are supposed to want.

I am far from normal..... and damn
proud of it.

Mustang Sally

I bought my Mustang red, shiny, and new,
One day my mom had a feeling and just knew.
I had my car for four years and have been driving for seven accident free,
And on this monday I guess it was just meant to be.

My car got wrecked on Jericho Turnpike,
This always was a rode that I had liked.
Now my dad has to fix my car,
But, it will never feel the same to me by far.

I guess it is time to move on from the stang,
All because of this stupid bang bang.
Once it is fixed I will put it for sale,
What a shame, I just want to wail.

Magical Dates

I can not depict just one date that was magical with my man. I would have to say date since the beginning has been pretty awesome. Of course the beginning is so super exciting, I would never let him see me in the same outfit twice and had to be dolled up just to sit in his apartment and watch television. One date that was rather memorable was the first time we went bowling together. This was the beginning of a pretty cool hobby that we both now possess. We go at least once a week and just mess around, it has gotten a little more competitive over time has passed and my boyfriend even has an insane curve on his game now. He has his own bowling ball and shoes, I am still working on getting my own ball but definitely soon. This has come to be one of our favorite things to do when we go out because neither of us are big club or bar people.

Every date has been magical with boyfriend. Now that we live together, it is even more exciting to go out on a date because we are able to get ready together and just go. Plus, we are always in the house together him doing his thing and me doing the same so when we go out it feels like more quality time then when we are home because it is just about us, not cooking, homework, games, or cleaning....just us. Every date has been pretty magical and I anticipate that there are many more to come. So baby lets keep on bowling. Maybe tonight??

DUCKIES ON A SUNDAY

This Sunday started like every other with my man. We woke up, ate breakfast, showered, and than stared at each for hours trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. Sunday is the only day we have all day together from morning to evening. Lately, it just seems there is nothing to do anymore and I am not one who could just sit around all day and do nothing that bothers me, it is just a waste of a day. So in sitting on the couch and pondering on what to do. My boyfriend says "lets use all that bread we are never going to eat, we should go to the pond and feed the duckies." Of course I will do anything, I was very enthusiastic about going to feed these ducks. We got there with our bag of bread and started ripping it up and throwing it out there to all the duckies, swans, and geese. The ducks are my favorite with their cute little orange feet but the geese were so aggressive. They walked right up to my boyfriend and took the bread right out of his hand. It was an awesome experience, but when we ran out of bread the duckies, swans, and geese no longer wanted to be around us and started hissing at us to leave them alone. What bastards haha.

Definitely was an awesome afternoon with my honey.

unsent letter

Dear Dad,

I just want to you know how I feel about our past and current situation. You were always so hard and strict with me. I understand you may have had your reasons for that when I was a child but I don't think that you ever realized that I grew up. You always worked so hard to support our family and still do and I will always appreciate that. I remember having to wave through the glass at night to say goodnight to you because you were outside working all night, even after you got home from work. I think I always just listened to you because I think you deserve that respect for all your hard work throughout your life and all of the hardships you encountered with your father.

I never understood why you laid down so many rules for me as a grown up. As a child and impressionable teen I could understand you were trying to keep me out of trouble by not letting me out at night, with friends and such. But as I grew up even up until this year you still had so many restraints on me and I still had not rebelled. Yes, I have tried talking to you about it but I never just did what I wanted because I felt that would be disrespectful. I did always tell you that I would move out if things did not change around the house. For I am twenty-two years old and to have a 1:30am curfew was a little ridiculous, along with the fact that you had to know where I was at every moment, and if plans changed I would get yelled at or the silent treatment for a few days when I got home.

Now we are at the point, where I moved out of the house. I never thought I would finally build up enough courage and strength to do it, but I have. A big part of that strength is knowing that I have Gerard. I think that you believe that as well, which is part of the reason you can't look at him in the eye when we visit. I understand that you don't approve of my decision of moving out. But, you need to realize that I am a grown individual that is capable of this and just because I am not married doesn't mean I should be living at home. Now you are willing to do anything for me to come home and i just don't understand it. If you would have just been understanding all the years I begged you to this may have been a little different. I think that you realize this too which is what bothers you about the situation.

You should not be treating me the way you do. When I come over to visit alone or with Gerard you don't speak to me or us. All you do is say hello and goodbye if that. I am your daughter I think I deserve a little more than that. Just because I have moved out of the house, not the way you approve, doesn't mean you should be acting like you don't give a shit about me anymore. I am in love with a great man and I would love for you to get to know him too. It would mean everything to me for us all to be one big, close family one day and that is still capable of happening if you let it and stop being so stubborn. Please just try to realize that I am happy and try to want to be a part of my new life because I need you in it.

Love always,

Pamela

Rant

Who the fuck do you think you are?
You are the only person I truly can't stand, do you know that?
More than fish, I can't stand you.
People like you should not be allowed to go in public.
You are a dirty, nothing that should not be touched with a ten foot pole
I can compare you to a pile of dog shit on the floor
but the shit I would pick up for the puppy
you I would just have to leave there.

I am not evil but you are,
You ruin lives and families which is not cool.
but hey, payback is a bitch,
someday you will get yours don't forget you shouldn't do to
others that you wouldn't want done to yourself.
So go fuck up someone else's life,
eventually it will come back to bite you in the ass.

Have a nice day ASSHOLE

I don't want to write about...

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT...

Another personal experience because they are personal not for everyone to know.

The thought of losing someone close to me or the experience of having lost someone close. It just sucks.

A topic that is mandated for me to write about.

Things that don't matter.

Other peoples misfortunes, it is just depressing.

Another research article this semester.

SCHOOL

Angry feelings

Why sometimes I just want to be alone.

The what if's

Sad experiences or encounters that I have had in the past

Things that don't mean anything to anybody.

Belly of the Beast

I believe that everybody has that little bit of evil in them that could potentially allow them to do violent things to others or themselves. Even myself, I am not a very dark, or aggressive person but if somebody pushed the right buttons on the wrong day I believe that I could get ugly. In trying to find this dark shadow that lies within me, I pretty much know who I am but it made me explore it even more which made me kind of angry. I always think that I am a nice person to everybody and in turn my boyfriend thinks that I get stepped on for that. One day I just feel that I may snap at the next person that walks all over me. For example, my boss at work thinks that it is okay to punish his employees by cutting there hours when they can not do something he has asked. Most recently he has cut my hours because he called me to come in on a day that I am scheduled off, and the reason I am off is because of school. He later then cut my hours the whole next week on the hours I can work because of the fact that I could not make it in when he needed me. This definitely pissed me off unbelievably but I let it go because that is what I usually do. What I really wanted to do was say f-u pal. I have been here seven fucking years and that is the way you treat me. Go stick it where the sun don't shine. II would love to say something like that. Or even just kick the shit out of someone one day, but it would have to be for a good reason. But I am definitely capable of doing it and I am strong enough physically, just mentally I would feel guilty after. Sure, during the time of adrenalin pumping it is great but than afterwards I would just assume I would feel like shit for hurting someone else, even if they had it coming. But, like I said one day someone will catch me on the wrong day at the wrong time and just push the right buttons for a slappy.

HOT DOGS in Manhattan

Today we went to Manhattan for the second time in this class. I really enjoy going into the city. I would love it a lot more if I did not have to travel by my lonesome on the train. On the way to the city today all I could think about was getting a hot dog and maybe so honey roasted peanuts from the street vendors. The food vendors in the city (mainly the hot dog ones) are one of the reasons I love going to the city. There is nothing like getting a dirty water dog in Manhattan off a random street vendor. This trip to Manhattan we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was my first time ever at this place and it was beautiful with so many different things to see. Some of these things can be seen on my flickr pictures. After going to Metro we walked to Central Park. On this lovely walk with some of the girls we decided to stop for a hot dog which had been on my mind all day. It was amazing with onions and ketchup. Nothing like it. To top off this awesome day in the city I got some honey roasted peanuts for the ride home. What a day!

P-A-M-E-L-A stands for

P--> PUNCTUAL

A--> AMUSING

M--> MAGICAL

E--> EXTRAORDINARY

L--> LOVING

A--> AMAZING

counterpoint

I love cleaning the house. It makes me so unbelievably happy to take all of the cleaning supplies out and the smell of bleach is just lovely. I could compare it to my favorite burberry perfume. My favorite room in the house to clean is the bathroom. I just love throwing pine sol in the toilet and then cleaning it with the brush. And oh my gosh I forgot about putting the comet in the shower and letting it sit for a few minutes, while I wait I usually sing a song o two and than I take out the scrub brush and scrub away until I can't feel my arm. It is the best workout, man I love cleaning the bathroom. Once the bathroom is finished I move right on to the bedroom where I find myself for hours. But, let me tell you, they are hours well spent. I spend so much time folding all of my clothes and placing them neat in the draws and closet and then I dust and vacuum. It is so amazing how nice it looks when I am done. Boy do I love cleaning, I would do it everyday of the week if I had the time. I love it so much!!!

castle

Inside through the heavy doors, I walk into my senior year 3rd period gym class. I am late and everyone is staring at me. I am wearing a denim skirt, with a tank top, and flip flops and everyone else is in gym shorts and sneakers stretching and getting ready to run the mile. Now my heart is beginning to race. I run down into the locker room and try to find my name on a gym locker. I finally find it and as I am opening the locker someone whose voice I do not recognize calls my name. I turn around and look and don't see anybody. I then heard my name being called again. I looked to the right and there is my sister-in-law. She hands me shorts and says "put these on already dammit Pam you are already late, everyone is waiting for you". I quick get undressed and throw the shorts on and when I went to tell her I was ready she was gone. I ran upstairs to the gym where now there is no body in there. I decided to walk outside to the track area. As I was walking to it I looked up at the bleachers and there must have been about one thousand people sitting on the bleachers. I overheard one of the ladies saying "when is this race going to start" and the other lady said "the star runner was running late". At this point I am very confused. I walked over to Mr. Mcleese to ask him what was going on, but, before I could say anything, he ran over to me and said why the hell are you so late, and I hope you are ready to run because don't forget your life depends on this race. I then walk over to my lane (number 3) to line up to get ready and I find out that my competition is my dog lucky. These doors lead to this crazy world that I did not want to be a part of . I ran back up to the gym and tried to find the doors that lead me back to the magical kingdom. I found them and ............

Spontaneous Prose

How many more of these things do I have to right
fucking twenty for real
that cant be right it just can't
I don't understand how someone could right twenty more pieces about this nonsense
stream of consciousness, ill show you stream of consciousness
the only thing I can think of right now is what I want to do later and this is not one of those things
have dinner yes spend time with my boyfriend yes watch tv yes walk the dog yes write another fucking blog NO
I feel like this is some bizzaro diary that is so random in every way possible
I want dinner and I feel like this stream is the like the song that never ends
I want to go outside and sit out there and not have to worry about one more stupid assignment this semester I need me time
how can this keep going i don't even know my mind is starting to blank

shit

shit

im losing it

its sad the only thing my stream will even allow me to right about are these blogs I guess that is all that is on my mind right now but the stream is done

thats it the stream has officially ended

good bye

Betrayed

On the weekend I was moving out of my house into my own place, it was also my best friends 23rd birthday. She had decided to go to Atlantic City in New Jersey again which we had done the year previous as well. I had told her two weeks prior that I would not be able to attend because I was moving out that weekend and had many things to attend to. On top of all the moving out issues I also had my Godson's christening party the same day as she planned on leaving for Atlantic City. We still spoke about everyday up until her birthday trip. I called her on her birthday to wish her well and she never responded. One day passed, then two and three. She has not called me since I did not attend her birthday party. We were best friends for four years. I have tried since to try and talk to her to discuss what happened, but things have not been the same. It has been four months that we have not hung out together. I feel betrayed and lost. All because of a birthday party.. Please

Body for me

Your body is for me,
it feels so amazing when it is on top of me.
Your muscles, divets, and pecks
Baby you are the best.
I love the hairless feeling of your chest
pressed up against mine.
The very thought of you leaves me short
for breath.
You kiss me so gentle and love me so fine.
I still can not believe you are mine.

Your body is for me,
It fits with mine perfectly.
Your arms wrapped around me,
with your eyes looking into mine.
There is no feeling like it,
You're one of a kind.
Your body is for me
Let me set if free.

xoxo

Ballad

They met randomly on her girls night out,
When he saw her in the club he gave her a shout.
She responded to him without a doubt
Neither were club people, so it was a surprise,

It was love at first sight,
That neither of them tried to fight.
Who would have thought it would turn into this,
A beautiful relationship, filled with bliss.

Lucky

My dog Lucky is the best dog in the world. He is handsome, smart, and loving. This is everything anyone would want in anybody. I am proud to call this doggie my best friend. He is always there when needed and always can make me laugh when I am sad. In my opinion this is a very important friendship to me although it is with another species. A good story about Lucky is the day I brought him home from the pet store. He was so tiny, only 2.5 pounds. I received him at 8 weeks. On the car ride home he sat so quiet and felt so content in my lap. Upon arriving home he was shown that he had to go to the bathroom outside and he succeeded from day one. Later that day when my whole family was relaxing we decided to watch a movie and make some popcorn. Lucky was in my mothers lap on the couch at the time and I was sitting on the floor below her, Lucky thought it would be a great idea to jump in the whole popcorn bowl and tried to eat his way out. It was hysterical, my whole family was laughing and he just looked so confused and cute. Of course we did not make him eat his way out of the bowl we took him out and to this day he still loves popcorn just as much as I do.

PORTRAIT

I would have to say the person I feel strongest about that it most in my life at the present moment is my boyfriend. I feel very strongly about him and may even say that I love him very much more than anyone ever before. I met him on December 3 and since then we have been inseparable. He is the most kind, caring, and trusting person I have ever met. I currently am living with him. When I try to picture him in my mind all I can see is how sexy he is and how I picture spending the rest of my life with him. He is such a gorgeous person on the inside and out. He does get rather aggravated easily for the most stupid reasons for example, me leaving a tank top in the bathroom but hey nobody is perfect. When I think about him all I can see is the future in my mind, eventually when I finish school, getting married and starting a family. The next step we anticipate is getting a bigger place due to the fact me living with him was unplanned. I have my own apartment but it just ended up that I stayed with him a few nights and neither of us wanted it to end. From there, I have been in my current state for months. I can't really even think of words to describe why I love him so much or how to say it, but I feel it. I feel it to be most important to any other thing in my life, making him happy means everything to me.

Dear self,

Dear future self,
DON'T BE A WIMP
DON'T LET PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED IN YOUR DREAMS
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU'RE STUPID
DON'T REGRET DECISIONS MADE FOR BETTERING YOUR LIFE
DON'T SMOKE
DON'T LET PEOPLE MAKE YOU NERVOUS, STAY RELAXED!
DON'T BE SELF-CONSCIENCE, YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE AND THAT'S IT
NOTHING GOOD IS EVERY EASY...IT IS NOT JUST A CLICHE IT IS TRUE. EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD FOR YOU TAKES TIME AND WORK.
DON'T GO TO WORK AT TWELVE FOR A CELL PHONE.. STAY HOME AND BE A KID, WORK IS FOREVER!!! (TOO LATE NOW : ( )
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR REASON. FOR REAL WHEN SOMETHING YOU THINK IS THE END OF THE WORLD HAPPENS SOMETHING NEW AND AWESOME AND SO MUCH BETTER BEGINS.
BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE AND STICK WITH IT BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT IS HARD AND FRUSTRATING, IT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND HE IS THERE NEXT TO YOU <3
LOVE,
YOURSELF

Heart Scars

Emotional scars are much harder to think about then physical scars mainly because of the fact that one must think back to that event to examine it. Over my almost 23 years I would say that I have had some definite emotional scars but I am sure that they worst is still to come. I do feel that everything one goes through does make them stronger for the future because everything happens for a reason. All the little things in life build you up for that one big thing that is going to come and throw you for a loop. I am sure that as I am getting older something like that will happen to me, I can't even bring myself to type an example because I feel like it will jinx it. I am weird like that I believe superstition. I could say these are the scars on my heart as of this moment in time:

My grandfather's death. He was the only grandfather I ever knew, my mom's father. My dad's dad I had only met once when I was an infant and then he was never to be seen or heard from again. My mom's father was a grandpa to me. He moved to Florida when I was a baby so I really only saw him twice a year and I was never really a phone person, but, who is as a child? He passed away only two years ago and it pains me to think that I never really had that relationship with him the way it should have been. I didn't feel as close to him as I should have. That is what leaves the biggest scar because I feel it means there is something wrong with me that his passing should have effected me more. I definitely was hurt when I heard of his passing that morning but I wasn't a mess. Was I supposed to be a mess?

Another scar, that bothers me deeply is the feeling of loss of the relationship with my parents. Mainly, my father but I feel the difference when speaking with my mother too. They always said if I moved out before I get married they would disown me as a daughter. I never would have thought that at the age of 22 they would actually not deviate quite to far from their statement when I was a child. They barely speak to me I get a hello and goodbye from my father and not much more from my mother besides coupons for food shopping. I will always feel love and greatly appreciative for the efforts they put in making me the person I am today. I would appreciate it more if I could feel prouder about the situation.

Fear

One thing in life that I fear greatly is the possibility that one day I might get lung cancer. Recently, I quit smoking by recently I mean it was my new years resolution. I always loved it, I always felt it was more of a thing I didn't want to give up, not that I couldn't. When I met my boyfriend in December whom hates smoking I decided that for him and my health I would try to quit smoking. I weaned off day by day and on New Years Eve I decided to ditch it completely and see what would happen. I succeeded in quitting completely which was very difficult but over time has been a great experience. I now can run longer and faster and my body feels better overall. The fear that one day I might get ill from this scares the shit out of me. I smoked for over 6 years and at least one pack a day. I am sure there are some effects of this left in my body, there must be scars on my lungs. What is even more scary to me is the thought that one day if I get really stressed or if my boyfriend and I break up, will I start again? I would hope that I am stronger then that. Fear sucks, I don't want to be a weak person and fear a thing such as death and illness at such a young age but if this fear is what is keeping my away from something that was once a vice that I loved then so be it. I QUIT!!!

Things Left Unsaid

There is one song that can express the things I feel were left unsaid in a very important relationship in my life. This relationship with my father, that has been explored in my other blogs. I feel as if he is so disappointed and ashamed of me for not doing things the way he feels they should have. The song I feel is a perfect fit is Perfect by Simple Plan:

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

The Places that Hurt

Home just hurts. Home is supposed to be where the heart is but today it is just where my puppy is. I thought as growing older it would be easier to leave home and care less about what people thought, by people I mean my family. This even of moving out and leaving my home or comfort place has been a lot harder on my then expected. I never thought that something that I anticipated to be such a great move for myself would hurt and depress me so much to where I feel as if I am not the same person. I used to be more relaxed and carefree and now I am so worried that the little things will affect every relationship in my life. My father hates me for leaving because it did not occur as planned. If I do not move back home now as he says, he states that "our relationship will never be the same, if we even have one at all", how can someone punish somebody else for doing what they feel is right? It just doesn't seem fair that one person can have such an effect on someone else. As I am intentionally reliving this event I feel like I will never get over it. I will always feel that I ruined my relationship with my family for me, for selfish reasons. But, isn't my life supposed to be about me? Why should I feel so shitty about something that is supposed to be so great? Home just hurts, hurts so much I dread visiting... It is just silence.

She

As she was awoken by the sounds of the waves crashing on the beach and the feeling of the gritty sand between her fingers, she wondered; How did I get here? She pondered, through the events that occurred the night before, or, at least tried too. The fuzziness in her head was taking over her thoughts and just left her in a daze, glancing out at the ocean. Exhausting all efforts to surpass this feeling, all she could think about was finding her way off this beach and getting a cup of coffee. As she looked around at her surroundings she found an exit, leading to a large parking lot, where oddly enough her car was the only one there. Once arriving at her car which seemed a mile away, she put the keys in the ignition, bells chimed, then she awoke staring at her alarm clock, thinking to herself "again".

The Extraordinary Ordinary

My morning routine is the "best" part of my day. Today, just like every other day I awoke out of bed and took my morning stroll to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth with my favorite green, minty toothpaste. Then I walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. I reached for the milk and my orange juice. Every morning I tell myself to not brush my teeth before I drink the orange juice because it makes it taste weird but I do it anyway. I than got my special K cereal out of the pantry and poured it into my bowl, I love that sound of the cereal hitting the bottom of the bowl. Then I cut my banana on top of the cereal and added the milk mmmm. After eating my masterpiece I wash all the dishes in the sink and then walk over to the bedroom and make the bed. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot all morning I do all of these things without even knowing I am doing them. From walking to the bathroom to chewing to banging my leg on the corner of the bed every morning as I am making it. I then stumble through the stack of clothes on the floor of my boyfriends and my bedroom because I don't know where to put anything and then I get dressed. I put on my pants one leg at a time and then my socks, and not just any socks my curious george socks.

I remember...

Things remembered:

I remember the day my sister was born.

I remember playing hockey in the middle of the street with my brother.

I remember Roy Rogers on sunday mornings with my father.

I remember kickball in the schoolyard and recess.

I remember being a crazy, fast runner.

I remember not worrying all the time.

I remember not being allowed to walk around the block.

I remember my mom always being there to pick me up from school.

I remember worrying about what other people thought of me in high school.

I remember having my first cigarette.

I remember how hard and how worth quitting smoking was.

I remember the first time I thought I fell in love.

I remember Mr. Panse my 3rd grade teacher.

I remember wearing courdoroys.

I remember how not fun high school was.

I remember getting my first job.

I remember the swings at rath park.

I remember the smell of the hot dogs and peanuts walking through the city around christmas time.

I remember the first time I met my boyfriend.

I remember the moment I fell in love with him.

I remember the first time I decided to live life to the fullest and just worry about making myself happy for once.

I remember the look on my parents faces the day I moved out.

I remember the look on my face the day I moved out. : )

Stepping Stones

A stepping stone in my opinion is just another saying for dramatic life events that we all experience in our own way. I would say the stepping stones in my life would be:

Number one I would say was the birth of my little sister, I was six years old and not the only little girl in my household anymore as well as became the middle child. I, in no way believe in the middle child syndrome either. : )

Secondly the next landmark I remember was breaking my collarbone in fourth grade or should I say my brother breaking my collarbone. We were both playing outside him on his bicycle and me on my rollerblades. I was not allowed in the street at this time but he was, my brother being the "cool guy" that he was decided to jump on the sidewalk with his bicycle and in turn took me down to the ground. We collided and next thing I knew I was in a brace for 8 weeks.

The next stepping stone I would say was my first job. I was twelve years old and started working at a bakery. I always wanted to work to have my own money and the real reason why I started working was to get a cell phone. Back then it was not common for all kids to have a cell phone but I had to have one and my parents said if you want that you will have to go and work for it. Ever since then which is 11 years now, I've been working.

August 31, 2005- I got my first tattoo on my eighteenth birthday. This was always something I wanted to do and as soon as I turned eighteen my father took my to get my first tattoo. I had it drawn up to my taste so I would have no regrets.

Years later, the next stepping stone in my life was my brother moving out of my parents house and getting married. He was only twenty-three and had an established life. He bought a house, got married, and left. It was a change not having my brother around, we were always very close and when he left it changed me in ways indirectly. I felt as if the fun I used to have at home doing everyday things such as family dinner and laughs were gone.

September 2008, I started Molloy College to finish my schooling by getting accepted into the nursing program. This was a big accomplishment for me, to get into this program. When I had first exited high school I did not really know what I wanted to do so one could say I wasn't that serious about college. Than when I realized that nursing was what I wanted to do, I worked my butt off to get into a nursing program and when I did I felt proud of my accomplishment.

February 2010, my latest and scariest stepping stone was moving out. I finally decided to leave the nest and move out of my parents house, on my own into the big, bad world. I still feel the guilt of leaving and hurting my parents because they feel that a girl should not leave the house until she is married. But they have to realize that this is 2010 and things are not like that anymore!!

I really hate...

I really hate fish. The smell and the one eye-ball staring up at you in the market is disgusting. I don't know how anyone could eat something that comes out of the ocean like that. The thought of knowing what has been around that fish in those seas grosses me out completely. I am pretty sure that dead bodies have been floating around throughout those waters with those same fish that someone is cooking for dinner. How gross is that? As for sushi, that is a whole other level of grossness as well. Now were taking that same disgusting fish and not even cooking it but eating it raw. Who came up with this? ughh

I really love...

I really love cheeseburgers. All year round, 365 days out of the year I could eat a cheeseburger. They have been my favorite food since I was a young child. I always hated breakfast food so on the weekends when going out for breakfast with my family I always was the odd man out and ordered a cheeseburger for breakfast. And when I have a cheeseburger I like them with ketchup, barbeque sauce, pickles, onions, lettuce, the works. It is like a melody in my mouth. What is sad is that I gave up eating my favorite food, what I really love, because of a diet. It has been about 60 or more days since I have had a cheeseburger but tonight I think I might have to splurge and have a cheeseburger out with my boyfriend.

Taking a stand

I feel very strongly about animal abuse. The thought of someone hurting there pet makes me feel very angry and sick to my stomach. I don't understand who could be so cruel as to beat of hurt something so much smaller than them, probable not even a tenth of the size of them. Pets are loving creatures that are sweet and would not inflict harm usually unless they are provoked. Animal abuse offenders should have to be punished the same way as hurting a human being. Maybe there punishment should be even longer because you have to be a really sick person to want to hurt an animal!

the Pivot questionnaire

What is your favorite word?

-My favorite word is cranky because it always can put a smile on my face. Whenever someone says the word cranky I light up like a christmas tree.

What is your least favorite word?

-My least favorite word is disappointed because it is a bad feeling when someone is mad at you but disappointed brings feelings to a whole other level for me.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

-Emotionally what turns me on is my family and boyfriend. They all know what buttons to push to get to me or how to put me in a great mood.

What turns you off?

-Discouragement is a total turnoff in all three categories. When someone discourages you from something you feel strongly about than they can go scratch.

What is your favorite curse word?

-My favorite curse word is fucking shit. This statement is what I find myself saying frequently when I am rather pissed off.

What noise do you love?

-I love the sound of the waves crashing on the beach because it offers me complete relaxation.

What noise do I hate?

-I hate the sound of laundry. By this I mean the the sound of clothes tumbling around in the dryer. It drives my nuts.

What profession other than you own would you like to attempt?

-The only other profession I have considered was to be a lawyer. This always fascinated me getting paid to fight all day seems kind of cool.

What profession would you not like to do?

-I would never want to be a teacher, I can't imagine being in a school the rest of my life.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

-I would want to hear God say that you have lived a good life and have made me proud that you are an accomplished person.

The place I love

The place I love is not quite so quiet but serene. It has a calming effect on my body and spirit. It smells of sand, ocean water, and peanut butter sandwiches. This place I love is called the beach. Every summer since I was a little child I would always love to go to the beach. The most stressful part of that day was always just getting there. As a child and always having to rely on someone to get you to your favorite place is not always an easy thing. Once I was able to drive the beach was where I would go if I had to think about something really important to make a decision or just to not think at all. Somehow being at the beach although it was not exactly the most quiet place there was always kids goofing around and such but the sound of the waves and feeling of the breeze on my face seemed to drown everything else out to the point of ultimate relaxation and thought.

nature haikus

This tall tree

a bug crawling up

to the top

natural wonders

Right outside of my door there are many different things that I never took the time to notice before. For example, there are empty pots where flowers used to fill in the spring time that are now filled of mounds of snow. The snow is actually everywhere and it is glistening off of everything. For some reason everything just looks so much more clean and pretty with snow covering it. I don't know how or why I feel like that but it just puts off that effect. When I walked outside my door this morning (which was quite a challenge itself with all of the un-shoveled snow blocking the door), I felt a deeper appreciation for the beauty of the outdoors. I took a deep breath and just stood and wondered how all of this snow made it my way.

Tuesday morning

Once again it is a tuesday morning. These weeks have just been flying by lately. Every tuesday I work about twelve hours at my job. The sad part about it is I actually enjoy it because it gives me a break from everything else. I don't feel bad about telling people that I can't hang out or feel bad about not doing homework or studying because I tell myself "you have to work". I actually like my job, I have been there for seven years. I work at a dermatology office and enjoy it way too much; probably because I am a nursing major and like to see new things which happens often at the skin doctor. Also, I am friendly with pretty much everyone I work with and the patients have come to know me as well because I have been there for so long. My job is very fast-paced as well, which makes my day go fast. Today, I will not be miserable I am planning on having an awesome day and I am determined to not let anyone disturb that thought.

cold

Lately, it has been very cold outside, way to cold to go out there and take pictures of the outdoors. This time of year there is not that much blooming out there to photograph anyway. There are no flowers at there peak really and many people just look so miserable walking around outside because it is so cold. There are very few and far between that actually like being outside in this weather. The hardcore runners and the people with two pairs of socks on, with gloves, a scarf, and the whole bit. I am one whom loves the spring time. When it looks like life is just beginning again. Many things start growing again, people seem more friendly, and clothing layers are reduced drastically. Lately, it has just been way to cold to enjoy what is going on outdoors.

Sunday 1/31

I never know what to write about on these blogs, so what I write about are the things going on in my life. As you all know I have been in the process of moving out to my first apartment on my own. Today, happened to be the first sunday I woke up and I did not smell breakfast being made from my bedroom. I guess it is the little things that hit you in the weirdest way. This morning I realized if I wanted french toast I had to get out of bed and make it. It is a very liberating feeling to be out on my own and at the same time a lot more work and headaches.

This evening i went to my parents house with my boyfriend for dinner and it was weird saying "ok mom I'm going home now." Two days ago that was where I called home and now it is not. Change is a good thing it is just hard to adjust right away. I'm sure after a little bit of time things will just seem "normal" as I had a "normal" at my parents house.

Moving out

This past weekend I made the last and final step by moving all of my furniture out of the house I grew up in and into my first apartment. I was very nervous yet excited about the situation. The feeling of knowing I will be alone at night without my dad upstairs kind of freaks me out. I know this is all a normal part of growing up and I know this will better my life in so many ways. The move would have not been at all possible without my boyfriend and the help of his friend. That also helped me get through the move knowing that he will always be there for me is a very comforting feeling.

monday

I really don't like mondays' in general. They are a start to a very long week. The weekend is always way too short, most likely because I work every saturday and I feel that everybody deserves a two day weekend or it's just not enough. This monday especially was back to the grind because it was my first day back from break to my nursing classes. As soon as I walked into that classroom at 9am this morning it felt like I had never left. All the talk about papers, tests, homework, and what is expected of us. How come us students don't have a syllabus for our professors and what is expected of them? By this I mean like teaching clearly, not to fast, and how about decrease some of that crazy pressure they put on all of us on the first day.

day 1

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I started to clean and paint my first apartment. The whole process is very exciting yet scary to me. I have always wanted to move out of my house for a multitude of reasons but mainly for the independence and being able to say; "I've done this on my own." Now that I have finally made the decision to move out and have followed through with it I am a nervous reck. Starting to clean and paint the place has finally made the whole situation feel real and now I must follow through with my decision because the foundation has been poured sort of speak.

APT

My new apartment is filthy,

Fantastic, 409, Shout, Bleach, Windex, Paper towels

On the road to clean.

Random

There are many different things on my mind at this point in time and at this time of the day. I have so many things to do when I get out of this class and those things are taking over all my thoughts it is like a major to do list in my head. Everyday is filled with so many things to accomplish and so many times there just isn't enough time in the day to finish everything on one's list. I am a very organized person whom usually sets a game plan for the day the night before. This helps to keep certain things in check for me.