Heart Scars

Emotional scars are much harder to think about then physical scars mainly because of the fact that one must think back to that event to examine it. Over my almost 23 years I would say that I have had some definite emotional scars but I am sure that they worst is still to come. I do feel that everything one goes through does make them stronger for the future because everything happens for a reason. All the little things in life build you up for that one big thing that is going to come and throw you for a loop. I am sure that as I am getting older something like that will happen to me, I can't even bring myself to type an example because I feel like it will jinx it. I am weird like that I believe superstition. I could say these are the scars on my heart as of this moment in time:

My grandfather's death. He was the only grandfather I ever knew, my mom's father. My dad's dad I had only met once when I was an infant and then he was never to be seen or heard from again. My mom's father was a grandpa to me. He moved to Florida when I was a baby so I really only saw him twice a year and I was never really a phone person, but, who is as a child? He passed away only two years ago and it pains me to think that I never really had that relationship with him the way it should have been. I didn't feel as close to him as I should have. That is what leaves the biggest scar because I feel it means there is something wrong with me that his passing should have effected me more. I definitely was hurt when I heard of his passing that morning but I wasn't a mess. Was I supposed to be a mess?

Another scar, that bothers me deeply is the feeling of loss of the relationship with my parents. Mainly, my father but I feel the difference when speaking with my mother too. They always said if I moved out before I get married they would disown me as a daughter. I never would have thought that at the age of 22 they would actually not deviate quite to far from their statement when I was a child. They barely speak to me I get a hello and goodbye from my father and not much more from my mother besides coupons for food shopping. I will always feel love and greatly appreciative for the efforts they put in making me the person I am today. I would appreciate it more if I could feel prouder about the situation.

Fear

One thing in life that I fear greatly is the possibility that one day I might get lung cancer. Recently, I quit smoking by recently I mean it was my new years resolution. I always loved it, I always felt it was more of a thing I didn't want to give up, not that I couldn't. When I met my boyfriend in December whom hates smoking I decided that for him and my health I would try to quit smoking. I weaned off day by day and on New Years Eve I decided to ditch it completely and see what would happen. I succeeded in quitting completely which was very difficult but over time has been a great experience. I now can run longer and faster and my body feels better overall. The fear that one day I might get ill from this scares the shit out of me. I smoked for over 6 years and at least one pack a day. I am sure there are some effects of this left in my body, there must be scars on my lungs. What is even more scary to me is the thought that one day if I get really stressed or if my boyfriend and I break up, will I start again? I would hope that I am stronger then that. Fear sucks, I don't want to be a weak person and fear a thing such as death and illness at such a young age but if this fear is what is keeping my away from something that was once a vice that I loved then so be it. I QUIT!!!

Things Left Unsaid

There is one song that can express the things I feel were left unsaid in a very important relationship in my life. This relationship with my father, that has been explored in my other blogs. I feel as if he is so disappointed and ashamed of me for not doing things the way he feels they should have. The song I feel is a perfect fit is Perfect by Simple Plan:

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

The Places that Hurt

Home just hurts. Home is supposed to be where the heart is but today it is just where my puppy is. I thought as growing older it would be easier to leave home and care less about what people thought, by people I mean my family. This even of moving out and leaving my home or comfort place has been a lot harder on my then expected. I never thought that something that I anticipated to be such a great move for myself would hurt and depress me so much to where I feel as if I am not the same person. I used to be more relaxed and carefree and now I am so worried that the little things will affect every relationship in my life. My father hates me for leaving because it did not occur as planned. If I do not move back home now as he says, he states that "our relationship will never be the same, if we even have one at all", how can someone punish somebody else for doing what they feel is right? It just doesn't seem fair that one person can have such an effect on someone else. As I am intentionally reliving this event I feel like I will never get over it. I will always feel that I ruined my relationship with my family for me, for selfish reasons. But, isn't my life supposed to be about me? Why should I feel so shitty about something that is supposed to be so great? Home just hurts, hurts so much I dread visiting... It is just silence.

She

As she was awoken by the sounds of the waves crashing on the beach and the feeling of the gritty sand between her fingers, she wondered; How did I get here? She pondered, through the events that occurred the night before, or, at least tried too. The fuzziness in her head was taking over her thoughts and just left her in a daze, glancing out at the ocean. Exhausting all efforts to surpass this feeling, all she could think about was finding her way off this beach and getting a cup of coffee. As she looked around at her surroundings she found an exit, leading to a large parking lot, where oddly enough her car was the only one there. Once arriving at her car which seemed a mile away, she put the keys in the ignition, bells chimed, then she awoke staring at her alarm clock, thinking to herself "again".

The Extraordinary Ordinary

My morning routine is the "best" part of my day. Today, just like every other day I awoke out of bed and took my morning stroll to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth with my favorite green, minty toothpaste. Then I walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. I reached for the milk and my orange juice. Every morning I tell myself to not brush my teeth before I drink the orange juice because it makes it taste weird but I do it anyway. I than got my special K cereal out of the pantry and poured it into my bowl, I love that sound of the cereal hitting the bottom of the bowl. Then I cut my banana on top of the cereal and added the milk mmmm. After eating my masterpiece I wash all the dishes in the sink and then walk over to the bedroom and make the bed. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot all morning I do all of these things without even knowing I am doing them. From walking to the bathroom to chewing to banging my leg on the corner of the bed every morning as I am making it. I then stumble through the stack of clothes on the floor of my boyfriends and my bedroom because I don't know where to put anything and then I get dressed. I put on my pants one leg at a time and then my socks, and not just any socks my curious george socks.

I remember...

Things remembered:

I remember the day my sister was born.

I remember playing hockey in the middle of the street with my brother.

I remember Roy Rogers on sunday mornings with my father.

I remember kickball in the schoolyard and recess.

I remember being a crazy, fast runner.

I remember not worrying all the time.

I remember not being allowed to walk around the block.

I remember my mom always being there to pick me up from school.

I remember worrying about what other people thought of me in high school.

I remember having my first cigarette.

I remember how hard and how worth quitting smoking was.

I remember the first time I thought I fell in love.

I remember Mr. Panse my 3rd grade teacher.

I remember wearing courdoroys.

I remember how not fun high school was.

I remember getting my first job.

I remember the swings at rath park.

I remember the smell of the hot dogs and peanuts walking through the city around christmas time.

I remember the first time I met my boyfriend.

I remember the moment I fell in love with him.

I remember the first time I decided to live life to the fullest and just worry about making myself happy for once.

I remember the look on my parents faces the day I moved out.

I remember the look on my face the day I moved out. : )

Stepping Stones

A stepping stone in my opinion is just another saying for dramatic life events that we all experience in our own way. I would say the stepping stones in my life would be:

Number one I would say was the birth of my little sister, I was six years old and not the only little girl in my household anymore as well as became the middle child. I, in no way believe in the middle child syndrome either. : )

Secondly the next landmark I remember was breaking my collarbone in fourth grade or should I say my brother breaking my collarbone. We were both playing outside him on his bicycle and me on my rollerblades. I was not allowed in the street at this time but he was, my brother being the "cool guy" that he was decided to jump on the sidewalk with his bicycle and in turn took me down to the ground. We collided and next thing I knew I was in a brace for 8 weeks.

The next stepping stone I would say was my first job. I was twelve years old and started working at a bakery. I always wanted to work to have my own money and the real reason why I started working was to get a cell phone. Back then it was not common for all kids to have a cell phone but I had to have one and my parents said if you want that you will have to go and work for it. Ever since then which is 11 years now, I've been working.

August 31, 2005- I got my first tattoo on my eighteenth birthday. This was always something I wanted to do and as soon as I turned eighteen my father took my to get my first tattoo. I had it drawn up to my taste so I would have no regrets.

Years later, the next stepping stone in my life was my brother moving out of my parents house and getting married. He was only twenty-three and had an established life. He bought a house, got married, and left. It was a change not having my brother around, we were always very close and when he left it changed me in ways indirectly. I felt as if the fun I used to have at home doing everyday things such as family dinner and laughs were gone.

September 2008, I started Molloy College to finish my schooling by getting accepted into the nursing program. This was a big accomplishment for me, to get into this program. When I had first exited high school I did not really know what I wanted to do so one could say I wasn't that serious about college. Than when I realized that nursing was what I wanted to do, I worked my butt off to get into a nursing program and when I did I felt proud of my accomplishment.

February 2010, my latest and scariest stepping stone was moving out. I finally decided to leave the nest and move out of my parents house, on my own into the big, bad world. I still feel the guilt of leaving and hurting my parents because they feel that a girl should not leave the house until she is married. But they have to realize that this is 2010 and things are not like that anymore!!

I really hate...

I really hate fish. The smell and the one eye-ball staring up at you in the market is disgusting. I don't know how anyone could eat something that comes out of the ocean like that. The thought of knowing what has been around that fish in those seas grosses me out completely. I am pretty sure that dead bodies have been floating around throughout those waters with those same fish that someone is cooking for dinner. How gross is that? As for sushi, that is a whole other level of grossness as well. Now were taking that same disgusting fish and not even cooking it but eating it raw. Who came up with this? ughh

I really love...

I really love cheeseburgers. All year round, 365 days out of the year I could eat a cheeseburger. They have been my favorite food since I was a young child. I always hated breakfast food so on the weekends when going out for breakfast with my family I always was the odd man out and ordered a cheeseburger for breakfast. And when I have a cheeseburger I like them with ketchup, barbeque sauce, pickles, onions, lettuce, the works. It is like a melody in my mouth. What is sad is that I gave up eating my favorite food, what I really love, because of a diet. It has been about 60 or more days since I have had a cheeseburger but tonight I think I might have to splurge and have a cheeseburger out with my boyfriend.

Taking a stand

I feel very strongly about animal abuse. The thought of someone hurting there pet makes me feel very angry and sick to my stomach. I don't understand who could be so cruel as to beat of hurt something so much smaller than them, probable not even a tenth of the size of them. Pets are loving creatures that are sweet and would not inflict harm usually unless they are provoked. Animal abuse offenders should have to be punished the same way as hurting a human being. Maybe there punishment should be even longer because you have to be a really sick person to want to hurt an animal!

the Pivot questionnaire

What is your favorite word?

-My favorite word is cranky because it always can put a smile on my face. Whenever someone says the word cranky I light up like a christmas tree.

What is your least favorite word?

-My least favorite word is disappointed because it is a bad feeling when someone is mad at you but disappointed brings feelings to a whole other level for me.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

-Emotionally what turns me on is my family and boyfriend. They all know what buttons to push to get to me or how to put me in a great mood.

What turns you off?

-Discouragement is a total turnoff in all three categories. When someone discourages you from something you feel strongly about than they can go scratch.

What is your favorite curse word?

-My favorite curse word is fucking shit. This statement is what I find myself saying frequently when I am rather pissed off.

What noise do you love?

-I love the sound of the waves crashing on the beach because it offers me complete relaxation.

What noise do I hate?

-I hate the sound of laundry. By this I mean the the sound of clothes tumbling around in the dryer. It drives my nuts.

What profession other than you own would you like to attempt?

-The only other profession I have considered was to be a lawyer. This always fascinated me getting paid to fight all day seems kind of cool.

What profession would you not like to do?

-I would never want to be a teacher, I can't imagine being in a school the rest of my life.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

-I would want to hear God say that you have lived a good life and have made me proud that you are an accomplished person.

The place I love

The place I love is not quite so quiet but serene. It has a calming effect on my body and spirit. It smells of sand, ocean water, and peanut butter sandwiches. This place I love is called the beach. Every summer since I was a little child I would always love to go to the beach. The most stressful part of that day was always just getting there. As a child and always having to rely on someone to get you to your favorite place is not always an easy thing. Once I was able to drive the beach was where I would go if I had to think about something really important to make a decision or just to not think at all. Somehow being at the beach although it was not exactly the most quiet place there was always kids goofing around and such but the sound of the waves and feeling of the breeze on my face seemed to drown everything else out to the point of ultimate relaxation and thought.

nature haikus

This tall tree

a bug crawling up

to the top

natural wonders

Right outside of my door there are many different things that I never took the time to notice before. For example, there are empty pots where flowers used to fill in the spring time that are now filled of mounds of snow. The snow is actually everywhere and it is glistening off of everything. For some reason everything just looks so much more clean and pretty with snow covering it. I don't know how or why I feel like that but it just puts off that effect. When I walked outside my door this morning (which was quite a challenge itself with all of the un-shoveled snow blocking the door), I felt a deeper appreciation for the beauty of the outdoors. I took a deep breath and just stood and wondered how all of this snow made it my way.

Tuesday morning

Once again it is a tuesday morning. These weeks have just been flying by lately. Every tuesday I work about twelve hours at my job. The sad part about it is I actually enjoy it because it gives me a break from everything else. I don't feel bad about telling people that I can't hang out or feel bad about not doing homework or studying because I tell myself "you have to work". I actually like my job, I have been there for seven years. I work at a dermatology office and enjoy it way too much; probably because I am a nursing major and like to see new things which happens often at the skin doctor. Also, I am friendly with pretty much everyone I work with and the patients have come to know me as well because I have been there for so long. My job is very fast-paced as well, which makes my day go fast. Today, I will not be miserable I am planning on having an awesome day and I am determined to not let anyone disturb that thought.

cold

Lately, it has been very cold outside, way to cold to go out there and take pictures of the outdoors. This time of year there is not that much blooming out there to photograph anyway. There are no flowers at there peak really and many people just look so miserable walking around outside because it is so cold. There are very few and far between that actually like being outside in this weather. The hardcore runners and the people with two pairs of socks on, with gloves, a scarf, and the whole bit. I am one whom loves the spring time. When it looks like life is just beginning again. Many things start growing again, people seem more friendly, and clothing layers are reduced drastically. Lately, it has just been way to cold to enjoy what is going on outdoors.

Sunday 1/31

I never know what to write about on these blogs, so what I write about are the things going on in my life. As you all know I have been in the process of moving out to my first apartment on my own. Today, happened to be the first sunday I woke up and I did not smell breakfast being made from my bedroom. I guess it is the little things that hit you in the weirdest way. This morning I realized if I wanted french toast I had to get out of bed and make it. It is a very liberating feeling to be out on my own and at the same time a lot more work and headaches.

This evening i went to my parents house with my boyfriend for dinner and it was weird saying "ok mom I'm going home now." Two days ago that was where I called home and now it is not. Change is a good thing it is just hard to adjust right away. I'm sure after a little bit of time things will just seem "normal" as I had a "normal" at my parents house.

Moving out

This past weekend I made the last and final step by moving all of my furniture out of the house I grew up in and into my first apartment. I was very nervous yet excited about the situation. The feeling of knowing I will be alone at night without my dad upstairs kind of freaks me out. I know this is all a normal part of growing up and I know this will better my life in so many ways. The move would have not been at all possible without my boyfriend and the help of his friend. That also helped me get through the move knowing that he will always be there for me is a very comforting feeling.

monday

I really don't like mondays' in general. They are a start to a very long week. The weekend is always way too short, most likely because I work every saturday and I feel that everybody deserves a two day weekend or it's just not enough. This monday especially was back to the grind because it was my first day back from break to my nursing classes. As soon as I walked into that classroom at 9am this morning it felt like I had never left. All the talk about papers, tests, homework, and what is expected of us. How come us students don't have a syllabus for our professors and what is expected of them? By this I mean like teaching clearly, not to fast, and how about decrease some of that crazy pressure they put on all of us on the first day.

day 1

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I started to clean and paint my first apartment. The whole process is very exciting yet scary to me. I have always wanted to move out of my house for a multitude of reasons but mainly for the independence and being able to say; "I've done this on my own." Now that I have finally made the decision to move out and have followed through with it I am a nervous reck. Starting to clean and paint the place has finally made the whole situation feel real and now I must follow through with my decision because the foundation has been poured sort of speak.

APT

My new apartment is filthy,

Fantastic, 409, Shout, Bleach, Windex, Paper towels

On the road to clean.

Random

There are many different things on my mind at this point in time and at this time of the day. I have so many things to do when I get out of this class and those things are taking over all my thoughts it is like a major to do list in my head. Everyday is filled with so many things to accomplish and so many times there just isn't enough time in the day to finish everything on one's list. I am a very organized person whom usually sets a game plan for the day the night before. This helps to keep certain things in check for me.